Couples Therapy
Finding a couples therapist in New York can be difficult. Hopefully, we can answer any questions you have here, but if you still have questions, feel free to contact us.
It was once thought that people came to couples therapy “too late” – that the relationship dynamic that caused negative attitudes toward one another were too entrenched by the time couples came to therapy. However, therapists today have more reason to be optimistic. Perhaps because the stigma around therapy is waning (particularly among those seeking therapy in New York), people are coming to couples therapy earlier[1] which gives the relationship a better chance to address core issues. Indeed, research on couples therapy reveals that it has comparable levels of efficacy to other treatments,[2] with some researchers reporting that “studies continue to show that most couples therapy has an impact, with about 70% of cases showing positive change.”[3] Couples coming to therapy in NYC thus have a very good reason to be hopeful that therapy will be beneficial to their relationship.
Couples therapy - or relationship counseling, couples counseling, or marriage counseling, whatever you prefer – differs from individual therapy in a number of ways. First, couples therapy typically moves at a slightly faster pace than individual therapy. If you are looking for a couples therapist in NYC, your relationship is likely struggling and you are ready to get started right away. Although it is obviously crucial that your therapist understands each of you as individuals, it’s important that you aren’t spending weeks and weeks unpacking your individual histories before you are able to start making progress.
Second, in couples therapy the focus is not on any particular person, it is on the relationship. Though it can be immensely helpful to have a mediator for some tough conversations, in general couples counseling isn't about arbitrating who is “right” or “wrong” it is finding out what is preventing the relationship from thriving. And, although it is natural to view one person as being the "good" one at X and the other person as being the "good" one at Y, the solution hardly ever lies in getting each person to be more like the other. Highly successful couples are those where each person is well calibrated to the others' needs, not where everyone is the same as each other.
Finally, unlike certain modalities, couples therapy often involves homework and inter-session assignments. The reality is that an hour together every week is no match when it has to battle with the remaining 167. Assignments allow us to balance the scales and start to make real and lasting change in the relationship.
Timeline
Couples therapy is typically short-term. Good couples therapy isn’t about uncovering in fine-grained detail every aspect of your personalities, but in learning how to calibrate to one another in a sustainable and enjoyable way. Although this will involve examining the content of the issues that are preventing the relationship from growing, there is often less to be gained in re-litigating old fissures in the relationship than in focusing on the structure of the relationship - the way you speak to each other, what you are getting from your arguments, and what part of your partner's comments you are responding to. Although a specific argument might be a focal issue in your relationship right now, the way the two of you argue is almost always more significant than what you are arguing about. Couples therapy will focus on teaching you how to communicate effectively with one another, how to disagree in ways that don’t cause bad feelings, and how to support each other in ways that lift you both up.
The Relationship Comes First
What makes couples therapy effective is often the same thing that makes therapy in general so uncomfortable: you are inviting a stranger into your most vulnerable moments in a close and intimate way. When a relationship is struggling, its individual members often start to feel resentful, depressed, and hopeless and it is important these feelings are addressed before they calcify into resentments.
In couples therapy, the relationship comes first. As corny as it sounds, it is true when therapists say "it is not you vs me, it is you and me vs the problem". Your therapist will help you calibrate to one another so that you can understand what the other needs when communication breaks down (as well as how to keep communication from breaking down). For this reason, you can expect couples therapy to involve regular check-ins, both as a group and with individual sessions with your therapist, to make sure you are both working toward your goals in the relationship.
Do Your Homework
We get it. Busy New Yorkers don't generally have extra time to add to your week, going to a therapist in Manhattan and then doing homework on top of it. Unfortunately, building a relationship you want to be in is a lot harder than building one you don't. Just like everything else that is valuable, a good relationship takes work. At Madison Park, our therapists are experienced with the problems couples face and are prepared with assignments that help cultivate strengths in those weak-spots.
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How long does couples therapy take?Of course, giving an exact answer to this is impossible, but the duration of of couples therapy will be based on the following: Getting right to work: Couples therapy typically moves a bit quicker than individual therapy, but that relies on couples showing up ready to work. We understand that it can feel uncomfortable to have a third person in the room while you argue, discuss deep areas of resentment and sadness, or uncertainties about the relationship, but it is essential to moving through the the current period into something more productive. Do your homework: Couples therapy often involves homework or assignments to work on or think about in-between sessions. That can feel corny or burdensome on your already overloaded schedule, but it really must be done. Individual therapy: In the course of couples therapy, we will invariably touch on painful topics. Having an understanding of those vulnerabilities and what you are bringing to the table is extremely helpful. Although it is not a necessary prerequisite, individual therapy is often the best place to identify and work on those individual issues.
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How soon is too soon for couples therapy?In general, there is a very low false positive to couples therapy and a very high false negative - that is, if you go to a therapist when you don't really need to, it generally does very little damage, but if you don't go to a therapist and you do need to, it is generally very damaging. Researchers once worried that couples therapy was ineffective because people came to therapy too late, so if you are thinking about couples therapy, it is probably a good time to check it out.
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Can we do couples therapy remotely?The short answer is: Yes, but not at the beginning. Although remote therapy can be very effective, it is important that your therapist is able to see the way you interact with each other, and this involves more than just what you say. As the therapy progresses, remote therapy is no problem, but in-person sessions are preferred.
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What if my partner refuses to go to couples therapy?Therapy has to be a voluntary choice. If your partner has questions about the process and would like to discuss these with your therapist prior to your sessions, they are welcome to do so. If they are unwilling, you are alway welcome to explore your issues in individual therapy.
Enhancement vs Treatment
While the majority of people seeking couples therapy are experiencing an acute problem in their relationship, many come to therapy to improve their connection, reaffirm their commitment to one another, or simply for a periodic “check-in.” Within the clinical and bioethics literature, there is a distinction between “treatment” and “enhancement”: treatments focus on correcting something that has gone wrong whereas enhancements attempt to improve something that is going right. Of course, all good couples therapy identifies the strengths in a relationship and builds upon these in the service of repairing the connection, but in some cases – such as premarital counseling – this is the explicit goal. And research shows that it is extremely effective.[4] You don’t need to have a breakdown in the relationship to want to cultivate an already thriving sense of closeness or to figure out how to deepen the trust you already have for one another.
[1] Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., Hall, E. L., Hubbard, A. K. (2021). How long do people wait before seeking couples therapy? A research note. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 47, 882-890.
[2] Shadish, W. R., & Baldwin, S. A. (2003). Meta-analysis of MFT interventions. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 29(4), 547–570.
[3] Lebow, J. L., & Chambers, A. L. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145-168.;
Lebow, J. L., Chambers, A. L., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. M. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168.
[4] Carroll, J. S. & Doherty, W. J. (2003). Evaluating the effectiveness of premarital prevention programs: A meta-analytic review of outcome research. Family Relations, 52(2), 105-118.;
Blanchard, V. L., Hawkins, A. J., Baldwin, S. A., & Fawcett, E. B. (2009). Investigating the effects of marriage and relationship education on couples’ communication skills: A meta-analytic study. Journal of Family Psychology, 24, 203-214.