"I Told You So": Interview with Time

We have all seen our friends (or family) make the exact mistakes we warned them not to make. Whether it is not dating that person, not making that investment, not trusting that person, or not taking that trip, most of us have given sage advice to someone who just wouldn’t take it.

That can be extremely frustrating. “Why am I even being asked,” you might wonder, “if I am just going to be disregarded?” (If you are just looking to disregard the advice you get, getting it from AI might be a better option.) Given the universality of that experience, Time reached out to psychotherapists and experts in conflict resolution to figure out how to communicate that you don’t like being asked, just to be ignored. In “How to say ‘I Told You So’ in a More Effective Way” Madison Park’s founder and clinical director, Jordan Conrad, explains that you have to be careful because saying ‘I told you so’ “feels equivalent to saying 'I would never be in your position because I'm smarter than you,' or 'If you only just let me run your life for you, you would be better off.’ Those are pretty unpleasant messages to send.”

In our therapy with teenagers, parents often ask us how to give advice to their children. It can be painful to watch your children make mistakes that you know they can avoid and when they don’t follow your advice in the first place it can be irritating. Jordan explains that delicately asking them whether they want your help in these situations is a good way to asses their openness to help: “This essentially gauges their comfort with you being more than a sounding board.” Then, if they do want your input, you can say: “There are some things that I think I can help you avoid, but it's up to you what you choose to do.” That communicates your confidence in their self-determination, while also offering your support.

Something we talk about in couples therapy is that if someone you are close to – close enough to that they keep asking for your help – keeps forgoing your advice to their own detriment, asking them what is making it difficult to hear you or take what you are saying seriously is a good strategy. "Is there something that I am doing that is making it difficult to take what I am saying on board?" That might seem like victim-blaming - that you are implicitly blaming yourself for being ignored - but if you are delivering helpful information in a way that makes it difficult to receive, it is worth knowing.