Setting Boundaries with Houseguests: Interview with Newsweek

Hosting is family and friends is a time-consuming and difficult ordeal. Whether it is a dinner party – where you have to navigate dietary restrictions, cooking, and the cleanup – or a longer stay – where you can feel responsible for showing your guest around – having people in your space takes work. For that reason, it should never feel thankless or unappreciated.

Putting in that kind of hard work for others without acknowledgement can lead to resenting your guests and regretting what was supposed to be a fun time. So, when Newsweek found a viral Reddit post about a woman’s frustrations hosting houseguests, they reached out to Madison Park’s founder and clinical director, Jordan Conrad, PhD, LCSW, to figure how to avoid these situations. In “Boomer Homeowner Considering Banning Friends, Family From Spare Room Backed,” Jordan explains that there is an unspoken social contract to being a houseguest:  "We all know how hard it is to give up your space or rearrange your schedule to host houseguests, and people need to be alive to that when they stay over."

However, Jordan explains that expecting every guest you entertain to be attuned in this way is unrealistic and so you need to set expectations in advance: "For instance, if you're inviting someone to dinner you can say, 'We're thinking about making fish so if you could pick up some white wine on the way, that would be excellent,’ or if you are closer friends, 'We're making the salad and the entree, so you're on dessert duty."

Boundaries, Jordan says, do not just separate people, they support strong relationships. That is because when people know what is expected of them, it makes interacting easy and anxiety-free. If you are unsure what someone you’re with wants, it can cause you to race through a rolodex of options in order to try to figure out why they are unhappy. Telling people what you want and, crucially, what you don’t, is a way to set everyone at ease.

That is particularly true for houseguests that are staying a few days. Guests should know how to make it known that they appreciate their host’s hospitality. But if they do not, it does not mean you have to endure it and cater to their every need. Letting your guests know what is off-limits so they don’t accidentally cross a line isn’t rude, Jordan says, it is helpful.